Archive for July, 2010

had an exceptionally difficult traumatic life all my life- suffered abuse , bullying , head injuries , time in a psychiatric hospital, a criminal record , other horrific times.
ive missed out on a normal life of forming any relationships, getting an education, being employed , getting qualifications, none of that has ever happened – and iam starting now at 30 years old from scratch.
i live alone on disability owning nothing virtually in a 1 bedroom flat on disability, ive made lots of progress over the years , however i still struggle with rage , paranoia , high anxiety , flashbacks, and because of this iam isolated and feel cut off from society………estranged and alienated.
i dont go out because of these symptoms and keep myself inside most days except if i have to go out.
i have no social support network obviously except my aging mum.
i was assessed for group therapy weeks ago, but in their assessment they concluded i wasn’t ready to go from being isolated for a long time to going to intense group therapy sessions everyday , for 5 days a week, so they recommended i attend a local group psychotherapy near me thats less intense ( attend their twice a week ) , see how i go with that then at a later stage be re refered back to the intense group therapy centre by my psychiatrist.
dr andrew said that group therapy would help me to build relationships back up with people again stop me from being isolated, learn how to interact properly again.
he said unfortunately he had heard about DBT for borderlines Pd’s but that that therapy wasnt available anywhere in my region of england.
so ive had a setback and disappointment with therapy.
meanwhile i have physical health worries : i may have vilitigo , i have white patches near my forehead , i have a natural olive complexion because im of Mediterranean heritage, so you can easily see the white patches .
i have torn cracked broken skin on the head of my penis , covering the head part, the last dermatologist said it wasnt a skin disorder and normal for me , i said i still wasnt happy and asked for a 3rd opinion, they said that will be up to my doctor to do.
i feel in the dark about the cracked skin , worrying whats caused it and whether it can be cleared – i was told it was possibly down to frequent masturbation which ive done over 12 times a day , everyday for as long as i can remember – so i hope its down to that..
im getting pulling pains and shooting pains in my pelvic area and penis when im masturbating recently.
for over a year ive had aching weak joints and limbs that easily move out of place , and ache with ‘ minimal ‘ exercise and ache if im typing on my computer , or writing etc – my hands , elbows , shoulder joints ache..
so im worrying what that could be ?
i have an injured ankle, sprained it over a year ago, torn the ankle ligaments , its very weak , have to be careful how i walk on it , was told it will take time to heal properly..
i have a damaged nerves in my right knuckle through punching a wall years ago, i can use it normally , but was told nothing can be done to repair it , it hurts if i was to hit a punch bag etc.
a crooked little finger on my left hand , that wont straighten, it droops over , a splint didnt straighten it, i was told nothing can be done to straighten it.
im also 6ft exactly , no more , slightly overweight and out of shape, been inactive for so long – i worry about diabetes even though my diabetes tests came back clear months ago..
i worry about my future, time passing on me , being left behind and abandoned, my goals in life seem depressingly out of reach – im starting at a late stage , im nearly 31 now.
my top goals are mainly of a decent paid career in computers and then to leave england , emigrate , move abroad, near the coast , find a caring wife..
but all that seems unachievable and out of reach for me now. – like it will take forever.
forever trapped in a 1 bedroom apartment on disability , everyone having abandoned me , no one to turn to.
i feel extremely isolated and cut off from society , its hell.
i dissociate to when i go out sometimes , like space out , but also i get worrying feeling of ‘ disorientation ‘ like ‘ where am i going ‘ or ‘ what am i doing ‘ feeling.
can anyone actually read all this and tell me how to cope ? my thoughts are racing badly.